Shirrooo!

Another appointment
I felt as if I wanted to run away, just looking into that room seing that chair gave me the chills. I still can't get over that day when I almost choked on blood. I never liked to go there ever since childhood, but one visit made me love it, I started seeing it as a break from all the mess and stress that my days contained. My dentist is really slow.

But he made my day everytime I had an appointment, his slow nature forced me to relax and always gave me a good laugh something to smile about from time to time. I don't care that he talks to me while having alot of supplies in my mouth and still expect me to answer.

 I don't care that he almost forgot about me waiting in that chair while he was talking nonesens with some colleague and I don't care when he leaves me in that chair with alot of supplies in my mouth looking at the computer and thinking out loud if he had forgotten something.

I'm being really nice now not saying half of the things but I still like it. I do care though when an asistent makes my whole mouth bleed to a point where I almost choke on it and throw up. That assistent was a nightmare, my dentist went to a conference, so that assistent was the one to welcome me today.

I never before felt pain from just taking pictures, I still feel the pain until this second and my gums was abused, the good news though was that it didn't bleed as much as it did the first time she took care of my teeth. Just as one visit made me love going there another one made me fear it. I'm back to hating dentists!!!

I Love Tv

My obsession
I've changed alot during these last years because of things happening. One thing never changed though, being a tv-nerd. It has always been my runaway, the best hiding place and my shoulder to cry on. ( Nothing compared to my friends existens in my life of course, but...Still)

I just finnished a new episode of you're beautiful(korean drama) let me just say WoW, it was really good can't wait for the next episode. Korean dramas just keep on getting better, gotta Love it!

Empty words

Believe and trust...
I would never let it happen I would never let go
I trust, I believe in you that you have to know
Two of many things people said to me
Those promises were forgotten though when it came to reality

My heart and soul could rest at eas
I was a good person I was so proud
Thanking God, being pleased
wanting to do better because of that crowd

That crowd, my friends, my family
Gave me a chock I could never predict to see
Is judging beforehand believing in me?
Being scared of what I have to say when they trust me?

They don't trust, they don't believe,
It's only a thought they wish to be true
It's not, and still that crowd have no clue
So dissapointing, Boiling my heart indeed.

That crowd, my friends, my family
You who mean everything to me 
stop saying that you trust
stop saying that you believe
In the end I'm the one going to be crushed.
Not being able in you to believe or trust

Am I...

Lebanese or Swedish?
My parents always taught me how to be proud of my ethnic bakground, about my lebanese side. They made sure to give me two warm homes. Sweden and Lebanon, two countries that I love deeply willing to do anything for. The question here though is, was it a gift or a burden?


I feel like being in a love triangle, where two people are so inlove with me that they can't bare the thought of me choosing someone else. Those two end up letting one hand go and pushing me with it to the other person and using the other hand to keep me attached desperate for closure.

Being torn between these two countries left me with no clue of how to answer the question, were are you from? I never really had a problem with that question during my childhood because I knew the answer or I thought I did. I always proudly said that I came from Lebanon.

I still remember the day, when I realized that I never came from Lebanon. I'm a Lebanese for sure, but I litterly never came from Lebanon to Sweden. That's what Isac a friend of mine enlightened me with in 8th grade to prove a point. I tried so hard to prove him wrong but everything I said sounded like nonsense.

That's when I got lost not knowing who Iam, Wether I'm Swedish or Lebanese. The obvious wasn't so obvious anymore. I even looked up the word native country on the internet trying to find an answer. It said a country your raised in and love. I thought I couldn't get more confused but i did.

Because even though I was born, raised and totally inlove with Sweden I still had a major crush on Lebanon and in one way or another I was raised there, through my parents and the frequent trips we made. Do I have the right to decline one country to not acknowledge it as my rightful one?
 
The twisted part is that I never feel more Lebanese than in Sweden and that I never feel more Swedish than in Lebanon...

Sharing

A memory with someone special...
 She woke up early to prepare a lunchbox for the ice-skating trip. She as usual prepared extra food  incase her friends or someone else forgot their food, not knowing that the lunchbox would end up giving her a memory for life...

The 12 year old girl got tired after having alot of fun at the ice rink with her classmates. She decided to go rest and as she was leaving, he asked if she wanted company. She gladly accepted, they sat next to each other talking until both decided to eat.

The girl opened her lunch box that contained triangle sandwiches and asked if he wanted one. He accepted her offer while complimenting the sandwich, saying that it looks cool and then started eating. They both sat with their eyes concentrated on the ice rink watching their classmates, while eating their sandwich.

The 12 year old girl asked the 12 year old boy after finishing it once again  if he wanted another one hoping that he liked it. He smiles brightly and accepts another one saying that it's delicious. That sentence fills her heart with wormth and joy until this day

 A memory shared with someone else is a perfect memory so go and make lots of those to feed your souls!..

Missing you!

Just Until April!..
Lebanon has been accupieding my mind lately, I close my eyes to see a certain street and all the people that I desperately want to meet, even those whom I only know by appearance. I especially miss three people my precious Diddo(Grandfather),Hala(Bestis) and at last but not atleast, a person whom I never said goodbye to.

I 'm just happy that I'll be there in April inshallah to see everyone, even if I have to see false backstabbing people smiling thinking too much of themselves. It doesn't really matter anymore the most important thing is to enjoy my staying there with the ones I love and miss.

I've been seeing my first day there everytime I think about Lebanon, from the second I arrive, leaving my lugage, sending giddo to her aunties because she misses her like crazy while I make up for the almost two years I missed, so that Giddo and I later on can rock it!!! We have lots we wanna do, you have no freaking clue!

Yukh... I miss Lebanon so much....

First snowfall...

Frosen waterdrops
How can a person be so happy by just witnessing snow fall down? Is it because of it's beauty that my smile wouldn't rest? I watched those frosen waterdrops fall down from the skyfield feeling blessed and possitive about the rest of the day.

It was kinda sad though that it didn't last long and that it melted away, but I'm overly happy for being able to witness the first sign of winter.

Great news followed the snow, one of my bestfriends husband got his drivers licens, gratulations Ahmed!!!Princess, you know what that means right? Loving life!! Thanks God for being so generous! And Giddo, tshintsha? The best I've ever written? I must really suck :/

I just added my name to a global petition by the way, asking President Obama to take action on climate change. Your help is needed, please consider adding your name.

http://blogactionday.org/en/takeaction

BraceleT

One Key, One heart...
I saw a bracelet with a key
and another with a heart
A sign of comitment they're suppose to be
but why then are they apart?

Who should have what?
And what is it worth?
If they together are not

My head whispered
this is how everything start
From being two, to becoming one.
One heart, one key for both he and she.
The other half  found,
ready to become one, for eternity

My DaY

And this is how I spent my day...

Had a great time at Jandi's today along with giddo. The F3:s was finally together talking about what matters the most, korean stuff!Thanks princess for da great soup you made me, feeling so much better love ya! Giddo your internet is back tshokka!!

You can!!

It's possible the second you Decide for it to be so!!

I Decided to share something really personal, something from my diary two years ago. I didn't see it then I guess, even though knowing how wrong it was to behave that way I still didn't realize where it was taking me. I never talked to any one about it before, never considered myself having issues but I did, I had a big problem.

For everyone who sees themselves in this situation... Don't fall for it, and if you're already on the ground grab a hand and pull yourself up to the surface again. You're the only one who decides and sometimes it's you're own hand that you need to reach for.
Here it comes:

31/10-07

Dear diary,
I've become obsessed with food and therefore decided to stop eating after 6 pm.
I broke my own rules today though, that spaghetti and youghurt looked so delicious I couldn't hold myself from eating it. It was between 7 and 8 pm. Regret started hunting me so I started throwing up everything I ate.

I know I shouldn't have done that I'm already below normal weight( liking that fact). I would've strictly and stobbornly advise my friends to stop doing this if they were in this position.

But I can't my weight has to reach 47 kg. I know it sounds stupid but I'm gonna feel better as soon as I reach my goal. Im going to try not to throw up anymore since blood was involved. I think my nails touched a sensitive spot when I was making myself throw up.


You see how it sounds? It's hard for those with no experience of a situation like this to understand, and for those who does please don't go there, and if you're there turn your backs on it. Eat as much as you want whenever you want without feeling guilty, because you don't only loose the luxury of food, you also loose your mental and physical health. You know what? I feel great today, still below normal weight but I'm working on it...now actually (eating). Love yourself nomatter what! You're best the way you are, see it, feel it, and believe it because it's true!!!

If you have a similar issue and want some advise or just need to talk about it, don't hesitate to contact me!  Here's my email: eun_seung@live.se

AAAaaaa!!!

Suffocated...

Nightmares are something I easily get over, but a really scary dream woke me up today feeling guilty, worried and scared to death. I can dream about monsters, dooms day, someone trying to kill me, war and more scary things but this was the only thing that freaked me out and occupied my thoughts the whole day.

All of you who have commitment issues will understand what I'm talking about! Okey... here it comes... I... I got married. I Usually don't have issues thinking about myself in a bridesgown, having a great big lebanese wedding with the right person someday way waaay into the future. But I yes moi, me of all people, got married for the sake of getting married to the wrong person and ended up running away in my weddingdress after signing the papers thinking about a divorce.

Omg I could really feel it, the guilt of hurting someone else, the fear of being hold as a hustage, being choked wanting to dissapear, to never have to see relatives again so that they wouldn't judge or ask what happened.
I from the beginning made the wrong choice by marrying someone who's obviously not right for me, someone I chose just to wear a wedding dress and to shut people up from pressuring me into it.

Really scary, I mean it! I thought about it the whole day, thinking that I will never get married nomatter what. I can't be controlled by anyone, I won't and with my luck even if  my mr perfect existed he would probably be out of reach for some reason.

Never give up to society or weddingdresses, it's your everlasting happiness on the line, don't give it up for anything or anyone. Make sure to never feel what I felt!

Go Sweden!!!!!!

There's still a chance!!
I missed more than half of the game yesterday thinking that it was to early, helping or more likely watching Princess prepare a meal. I was soo surprised seeing Sweden play so... well lets not say bad because I didn't watch the whole game but It was like as if they had lost hope in the ending. It was a chock for me to see Denmark having so much controll over the ball.

We really needed to win this game to get to the finals, and it might feel that we wont but even though our chances are really small they still exist. So keep on hoping and always believe in our team! <3

My true self?

Looking into a mirror...

I did alot of thinking today trying to figure out how I ended up being such mess. From being called a nun to becoming a heartless witch. I used to care about more than my ownself, I used to be happy if others were better than me, I used to never make misstakes when it came to my friends, to always be there, I used to never lie.

I believe that somehow  a part of these qualities still exist in me but I don't feel it. Today I see myself saying sorry too many times when it's something I never had to do before, something I never knew how to do.  Today I see only the worst in people when I used to see the best. I'm trying to hold on to my oldself to be the way I should be, but people around me are making it impossible. Yesterday for me was a place where I could be myself without turning into the person that Iam today. An empty person.

I stopped caring, getting surprised or expecting things from others. I can seriously see a ghost now and still not react in any special way. I of course care about alot of people and the world that's something that I can't change even if I tried to wich I have. But I stopped caring about... Well myself I guess? Like this competition I'm in, Im forcing myself to be exited about it, when I really don't care or if I phisically hurt myself I feel the pain but I still don't care about it.

I noticed how hard and strict I have become, how easy I start to hate or judge someone and how easy it is for me to decide to let go of people. I looked into the mirror to see the same face I see everyday, but felt as if I was standing infront of a stranger, feeling sorry for her.

Special feeling

To be grateful...

I have to thank a speciell person, one of my closest friends, for hitting me so hard in the head . Thanks for reminding me of something I forgot!

This day has been great, I had only 2 classes and the first one began at 12.55 so I was free to sleep to my hearts content and still I didn't. It feels great though to not be stressed out before school, taking my time with everything. I skipped half of my other lesson when princess stopped by to steel me.

Thanks for ruining me hun! Yukh... making me skip classes and stuff, you should be ashamed of yourself. It was actually lots of fun, she gave me exactly what I needed without being asked to, she made sure to fill my stomach with pizza and filled my time with pointless realitydrama shows Thanks hun you're da best. And thanks Maya for making my day with your comment!

I'm such a lucky girl, this week has been great with most of my lessons being cancelled and all. I don't have a single lesson tomorrow how blessed am I not!!! Just found out that Ep10 of ghost friends is out omg I've been waiting forevaaa!!!!

To UdjusT...

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live"    Oskar Wilde

Every individual has their own dreams, thoughts, and hopes about the future. Alot of us know what we want but still can't go for it, because someone else is there to force there way of living. It could be a parent, a sibling, a friend, the economy, society and so on. Isn't the best way of living life to live it on ones own conditions? Isn't it better to not force a path on someone who knows how to find their happiness, and just support that person?

Being raised in a swedish society taught me, to always be open minded. To not judge people by their appeariance, religion or cultural differences. My parents on the other hand who unlike me are born and raised in Lebanon had a hard time not judging, because of their growing up in that kind of enviroment. They changed during their 25 five years if not more in sweden but they never ever critisize those who sees the world the way they used to.  

I freaked out when I saw this lebanese blogger who lives in Sweden writing about how people should adjust to the society in Sweden and insulted me amongs others who's even related to her, by attacking people who wears a head scarf and their beliefs. To be fair she did write about how it was a missunderstanding and that she ment nothing ill. But how can you justify yourself telling others who actually are more Swedish than you can ever become that they don't belong in this society.

A perfect DaY

Don't wait for the missing piece... You've got the rest use them!

I just came home after enjoying the rain, and it got me thinking of how perfect my day has been and how often I complain about how horrible my life is. But how horrible is it really? Standing under the rain with Giddo, made me realize how lucky Iam and how I don't deserve what has been given, since I don't appreciate it as I should.

I'm still hearing the rain hitting my window with the wind swishing in the background, I thank god for this day and for everyday that has past and for all coming days wether they are good ones or bad because I know that he's always there for me no matter what. I've felt it, I've seen it and still most of the time I don't appreciate it. Lhamdillah is the only thing I can say.

I was craving for shopping, rain, trocadero and seing my ultimate favorite people, and I got all of that. Now Hala isn't in Sweden anymore so I didn't get to see all my favorites,but she's where she wants to be and that's all I need to know. And what if Giddo, batoul and Sara weren't here now how sad would that be so instead of looking after the missing piece I'm glad and thankful for the pieces that I have.

It was really windy Helena just the way you love it wish you were here ! Madde and Emma Thought of you alot, miss ya to death Love you always and forever!!

Desperate To Shop

It's been a while now since the last time I went shopping and I feel a desperate need for it. It has always been medecine for me in all situation. This is when I wish to be in Lebanon because shopping there has a whole different level.

And of course I have my other shopaholic friend Princess who makes it more fun and enjoyable! 2 whole days have gone since I last visited a mall and it's killing me. Now, a few would consider me weird saying that, but Princess among three other persons would fully understand me!

WellI have to wait either way I mean my wallet is kinda thin, but my bank acount on the other hand... Hmm? ShouLd I spoil myself with my savings?? Naah I'm not that stupid but I can always dream and besides there's always window shopping ; )

RegreTTing

That I ever made her go this far, that I ever made her take that decision

Being sick of someone elses repeadetly drama, or the trouble they put themselves in doesn't make it okay for us to ignore the fact that the drama is there (at least in their heads) and the trouble they made is trouble that needs to be taken care of.

Just one sentence from you could make that person choose a different path and regret it when it's to late or hate themselves for the things they thought they had to do. I can't believe I turned my back on the person I owe the most when she needed me, when I easily could've helped out. 

Trying to teach her a lesson wasn't worth it, and making her do something that she hates herself for to fix that problem feels so unnecessary because in the end I'm going to help her out to make it go away. Why did I have to be that stubborn, especially when I had the solution right infront of me Yukh... I'm just happy that I still have the ability to fix it ...

All TrusT Gone

Paranoid much?

They didn't mean it that way, they probably forgot, they must have been in a really bad state, It's a missuderstanding, is only a small amount of excuses I would make up for people who wronged me. It actually made me feel better because I really believed in those lies, until I suddenly started seeing the ugly truth.


I've been feeling wronged the whole day, this time I found or even knew the reasons and still couldn't make myself to feel better. I know I'm being too sensitive and I hate it but it's no longer in my hands and I really want to know why I'm behaving this way.


The only answer that I can find is that I've become one of those people, that I switched sides from being the one who never runs away from consequences of her decisions to a person who doesn't admit and tries to make up excuses for her wrong doings.

MoVing oN!

Let go... to find something better.

If there's something I've learned during my 19years on earth It's that one should let go even if they're scared about going after something new . People are usually satisfied when they reach a secure place in life, but why not go one step further to find that perfect place they never thought of.

I'm letting my old blog www.teta.bloggsida.se go to see what waits for me in this one. It feels strange to suddenly leave that blog that I had given so much time and energi, i had a hard time letting it go, but I'm still taking that step I'm moving on to this one!